24-going-on-25

I started writing birthday eve diary entries when I was little. Little-little, like 8. I searched high & low for my first little diary this afternoon, but I have a feeling that it was part of the Great Storage Purge of the Move to Norfolk 2012 This means it's either in the shadows of our bed's frightening underbelly or the caverns of our closet's oddly tall storage shelves, neither of which were worth the battle. I did find the journal I kept during the last year of high school, & read through my 16-going-on-17 birthday eve entry from 2005.

"This past year was all I expected it to be. And since it took me from high school junior to high school senior, it was all I could ask for. It was a year of growth. Mistakes. Reconciliation. Drama. Friends. Licenses. Laughter. Heartbreak. Memories. Boys (ugh). Observations. Arguments. Lessons. Good-byes. Realizations. Change. 

So really, it was all I needed it to be. Yeah, I screwed up pretty hardcore a couple million times, but I came away with so much from being 16. Sweet 16. Building blocks to the woman I'm going to be.

This coming year is going to be the toughest yet, with graduation and college on the horizon... and I can't wait to get to next year's entry. Imagine... I've got a lot to do. A lot of decisions to be made, a lot of feelings to forget, a lot of maturing to do. A lot to survive. A lot to live."

I'm a little conflicted about this birthday tomorrow. 

There's been a level of predictability to every year of my life. I always knew a little bit of what the next step was. High school, college, job, marriage. As a 90% Type A personality (the other 10% accounting for my inability to put shoes & clothing away), this is always the goal. But I have craved change & something -- anything! new for the past two years. Change that moves us away geographically, but also forward. Closer to babies, & home-owning, & career advancement.

It's funny, because reading back on Birthday Eve 2005 makes me realize that the next 4-ish were very similar to the year I'd just had. The drama, the mistakes, the laughter, the hardcore screwing up. However! Even though I knew college was happening, I had no idea that in seven short months, I would meet my future husband. Talk about drama. & that's my favorite part of looking back at 2006. Kelsey, the girl who was not going to get married until she was 30, fell desperately in love at 17. That. That was change.

So, as I sit here cozied up in bed on our second day of serious rain, I wear 24 like an old friend, because 25 is scary. I want so badly to publicly declare that I am the change I want to be in the world & that 25 is just a number & every year is the best year! But, I dunno, man. 25 feels big, & like my next birthday is 30. THUS! Conflicted. I want to move forward. ONWARD & UPWARD! YAY 25! But at the same time, it feels like it's okay to be 24 & still be working on the what's-next. I know. I know I'm ridiculous. (Mostly because I was terrified of 24, also.)

There are constants that will always remain - Jared, dark chocolate, Jesus, group texts, that first breath of fresh air when I walk to the car in the morning, families that love hard & laugh harder. I appreciate these things, & the fact that they'll be there even if I'm sitting in this exact spot this time next year. & in a lesson from 17-year-old Kelsey's book, who knows what surprise twist is a mere seven months away.

24, you were the year I spent inside my own head. & you were comfortable... So, so comfortable. You got a little itchy here at the end, but for the most part, you empowered me.  You were city-living & a little bit introverted... & somehow, the year I pierced my nose & dyed my hair brown. You pushed me forward & kept me grounded. You taught me to be still, to stop talking, to make slower judgements & to trust. You were the year of my "Just do it right now!" philosophy, which I hope sticks around because I AM! I am making big decisions, dreaming big & trusting. I know in my deepest thoughts that when I look back on you, you'll be the age that a new adventure began. 24, you were necessary for the good things to come, & you will always be my quiet year.

& so! C'mon, 25. Let's do big things together.

style // the denim dress

hat - charming charlie's // dress - old navy // belt - j.crew( j's side of the closet) // heels - gap

This, friends, is the face of a girl who is very happy. Happy because of her polka dot chapeau. Happy because this perfectly dainty denim dress (in all of its stays-ironed-for-30-seconds-glory) only cost $7. Happy because after some crazy record amount of days without rain, it finally down poured 10 minutes after we took these pictures.

I was really going a little nuts without any rainy days. The same way that the rest of the world doesn't want to get out of bed on a rainy morning is how I feel when I wake up & realize the sun is out. I think this is due mostly to my innate desire to spend my entire day inside, crafting or writing or whatever-ing, & I feel guilty if I'm ignoring the sunshine & breeze. The rest of it is due to my innate desire to wear my rain boots every chance I get.

But back to happy. I'm turning 25 this week. On Friday, actually. Remember when your birthday falling on a weekend was a big deal? I guess if I had a regular Monday-Friday job, it would still be a big deal. But it isn't nearly as crucial when I'm not being told that I still have to go to school even though it's my birthday. I definitely don't feel 25... Or feel like I look 25... Or act 25... But I have 4 days to get it together. 

However, I did manage to wear lip stain AND lipstick today, & there's definitely something very quarter-of-a-century old about that, in my opinion.

monologue

It's funny that when I sit down to write a blog post, it's difficult for me to look back on the last 48 hours or week & remember the storyline. The plot. The scenes in the episode.

I have always kept a journal or blog (as described in way too lengthy detail here) & when I read back through past entries, I'm taken aback by how much of my life I forget. Reading through my old Livejournal (yes, livejournal) a few nights ago, I came across an entry about an event day during my internship in 2008. I remembered the event, but did I remember that me & a volunteer got stuck in a paddleboat in the middle of the Elizabeth River 10 minutes before a crazy typhoon-like storm struck? No. & let me tell you, that is too hilarious of a memory to not have tucked away for a laugh. So, high-five, 2008-Kelsey-that-wrote-everything-down.

Or this entry, when Amelia & I taught a social media class this summer. In my half-asleep, exhausted stupor, I forgot to mention that after staying up half the night to perfect our presentation, I managed to leave half the tools we needed to GIVE said presentation as we walked out the door the next morning. Between me huddled in a corner of the room, trying to re-save the entire presentation in 10 minutes & Amelia having to fly back to her house, then getting stuck on the wrong side of a passing train on her way back, it was the absolute cluster-cuss that I've come to expect in my every day life. However, the presentation then went off without a hitch, aaaand cue Meredith Grey-esque voiceover monologue about friendship & growing up. See? Episode.

& it's not just funny episodes that I want to remember.This week's episode would probably, once again, be a lesson in patience. I think this is somewhat of a theme on this little blog, as both Jared & I are 25 & in life-limbo. He's not really done with school yet, I don't really have my dream job yet, we rent an apartment & we're still looking for an opportunity to move, in search of our forever-city. Most mornings, I wake up with the day seeming to have a big, dark cloud lingering above it, inscribed with "FUTURE" written across it in some horrible Microsoft Word font, like Chiller. It's in my nature to plan, & to worry when there isn't a plan. 

Of course, if this were an episode about patience & our future, it would end with a glimpse into "5 years from now..."  & in my heart of hearts, I KNOW that 5 years from now involves our roots being planted into some yard, in the form of what I hope to be a lemon tree.

So, for someone that is constantly worrying about the future, it's good to reflect on the recent (& sometimes not so recent) past. It's cathartic to look back on my day/week & make sense of the things I was brought to. How did I handle them? What did I learn? Even if there isn't a conclusion or lesson, there's at least the funny moments to store away forever. I want to be more purposeful in my life. More reflective - More in tune with what I'm being taught... & then storing that lesson for the inevitable day that I've forgotten it.

I'm blabbering. I'm also procrastinating. I have an event to work tomorrow & then we're making our annual visit to Busch Garden's halloween craziness on Sunday, so it would behoove me to get my last day of office productivity started. I've spent most of this morning stopping to smell the roses.

happy friday!

style // 03

chambray button-down - kohl's // pin - j.crew // earrings - uo // pants - h&m // heels - target

Happy October! OCTOBERRRR!!!! I love this month from my toes to my nose! I am an October baby through & through - This month just gets my blood a-pumpin'. Does everyone's birthday month seem sort of magical or is this just something that October people feel? Even though turning 25 is now only 10 days away (& I'm still a little mortified at that thought), I am so excited to celebrate some of my favorite people's birthdays & our big THREE YEAR (whattttt??) anniversary at the end of the month. It's going to be a month full of fun, & pumpkin & cider & maybe some tears over that whole 25-years-old thing, but that's fine. That is juuuuuust fine.

Also happening this month? Kohl's, at least one more time. I'm mad at every single one of you that didn't clue me in on the goldmine that awaited me inside that place... It was magical! Thanks for the chambray, Kohl's!

Other cool things that happened today - Drank a pumpkin chai latte & did not love it, so I can check that one off the list. Went to the doctor & navigated my way through an entire conversation about insurance and co-pays like an adult. Read this buzzfeed article in the doctor's waiting room & snorted (twice). Walked past a box on the sidewalk outside our apartment & had an 8-ish-year-old boy (Am I the only person that is TERRIBLE at guessing kid ages? I can't even speculate as to what age I was in 4th grade.) jump out of said box, scaring the beshnikes out of me while his younger brother videotaped the whole thing and managed to NOT curse. Came home to roses that are the prettiest shade of peach. Jammed out to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" because I just cannot control myself when that song comes on. Enjoyed happy hour at a local winery with a dear friend. & managed to spit a blog entry out before el husbo got home from work. I'd say my work here is done.

Just kidding, I also want to publicly declare my love & admiration to Wynter, my amazing hair stylist & favorite life-lover, who is making all of my blonde dreams come true this year. She is zeh behst!

the tire swing

My older sister stomped off in the opposite direction of the tire swing. I huffed & pushed my feet off the ground to get the swing moving again. The big branch that held it swayed a little less than it had when we both sat on it 2 minutes before our silly little argument. What was that argument about... How high the swing could go? Spinning vs. swinging? I really don't remember. The babysitter stood somewhere between the stomping feet & the swaying branch, looking back & forth between us before she moved closer to the swing.

"It's silly to fight with each other like that." She pushed the tire swing to give me the momentum that my 8-year-old legs were struggling to produce on their own.
"We always fight." I stated, matter-of-factly.
"Do you fight with your friends like that?"
"No. But they're my friends, not my sister. She isn't my friend." The sun was getting lower & lower, so I knew my outside playtime was coming to an end. I did not want to waste it discussing my older sister.
"I used to think that about my big sister. But now she's my best friend. You're going to grow up, & she's going to be one of the only friends that you keep forever."
"No, I don't think so. We don't really like the same stuff." I smiled because I knew better. I had at least six friends that I was going to keep forever. And two American Girl dolls, but that was besides the point.
"I think you'll be surprised. Just wait & see."

Later that night, I brushed my teeth & stood on my tiptoes. Standing on my tiptoes helped me imagine what grown-up Kelsey would look like. Obviously, I couldn't be shorter than everyone else forever, & the bathroom sink would be eventually be at my waist rather than my chest. What would my face look like? Would my hair be brown like my mom's by then? My sister & I had already forgotten about our earlier argument. It was time for us to help put our younger sister to bed & get ready for bed ourselves. I tried to imagine us both as grown ups. At one point, we had designed next door houses that were joined by a water slide...

We ended up with a new baby sister a few months later, & that made four. Four different girls, four strong personalities, four unique styles. There were many more arguments. Bigger arguments, more opinions, longer grudges. We are all so different & our opinions still differ SO greatly... & there's always a chance that someone is stomping off in the other direction. But they have lasted much longer than those six friends in 4th grade (& I can't even imagine what state the American Girl dolls are in) or even the tire swing. This conversation from nearly 17 years ago has stood out in my memory, though - It's a memory that has very vividly stayed with me & over the years, I've kept coming back to the babysitter's prediction, waiting for it to happen. & slowly, as we've all grown up, & the bathroom sink now sits at our waists, it has.

We're still growing up, but the babysitter was right. I have three of the wackiest friends that kind of look like me & that I would never pick out of a crowd. & they're here forever.

... So, that waterslide is definitely still an option.