once upon a myspace

 so. last week, I rediscovered my myspace.

I think I rediscover it approximately once a year,

& truly, never have any clue how I end up on there.

(there is a funny counter that I had going of how many days jared & I had been dating...

today is  Day 2,090 in case you were wondering.)

but this time, I ended up reading through old uhhh... notes? entries?
I don't even know what myspace called them, but I wrote them.

when no one else wrote them or read them... I was writing.

online journaling has been an addiction for me since 2003. there, I said it.

at some point, I decided to share some of my writing from junior year with myspace.

you know... junior year of high school...

when I was reading sarah dessen fiction & emulating jewel's "a night without armor."

very dramatic days, these were.

anyways, some of it waaaasssss... kinda good.

& I'd completely forgotten I'd written it,

but haven't even broached the idea of opening the notebook in which the original was penned.

so here. I'm baring my 16 year old soul.

be nice. we can totally make fun of it later.

-     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -

Conversation of Souls

she closed her eyes for a minute.
she took a breath
that let him know she was near.
and she sat down next to him.
and as she sat, she said,

"happiness is overrated."

he looked back at her and smiled.
this wasn't unusual.
she had always been bad at silent wars.
he sat back in his chair.
and as he sat, he said,

"you're just saying that
because happiness has never felt so good."

"no, no.
that's not it at all."
she tried to convince someone.
him? maybe.
herself? yeah.

he stood up and stretched.
and as he stretched, he said,
"stop denying yourself
the chance to feel loved."

"stop telling me what to do."
she said, suddenly.
defensively.

"why can't you 
just let yourself have this one thing?"
he questioned.
"why can't you just let yourself
be happy with me?"

she stood up and instinctively grabbed his hand.
and as she felt her hand go numb,
she whispered,
"we both know i'm trying."

he grabbed her other hand.
they stood like that for a minute.
he pulled her closer.
she backed away.
he tried to kiss her.
she had more to say.

"i swear to god i want this
more than you do.
i swear this is all i want.
to be happy.
& for you to be happy too.
but what's there that hasn't always been?
and why can't i feel this the way that you can?
i swear to god i'm trying.
we both know i am."

with a stiff breath, she let him hold her.
and for a minute she felt his heart.
and she knew it was beating a little faster,
than hers.

"stop trying.
and start living."
he said.

she backed away
and she let his hands find her hips.
and for once, she let him hang on.

-september 16th, 2005

*blink*

SO DRAMATIC.

but still kinda fun to read. don't lie.

okay, that's all for tonight.

xo, kel *dun dun dunnnn* sey